One year ago today, it was Monday. I missed my cycle all weekend, but patiently waited to take a pregnancy test until Monday.
Actually I wasn't so patient and took a pregnancy test that Friday before and it came back NEGATIVE. I felt sad, defeated but also a sense of "just let go". I had tried to control when I would have my second child, it was all perfectly planned out in my head. Well, I learned it's not up to me. Back in March 2020 (right before the world shut down from COVID) I found out I was pregnant. However about 8 weeks in, it was confirmed the baby wasn't growing and I had a "missed miscarriage" (I'll write on that another time).
I got my period about 6 weeks after the miscarriage. It wasn't a normal period. It was short and light. But I was SO excited because once it was over that meant we could try to conceive again. I thought for sure I would get pregnant right after that cycle. NOPE. I got my next period on July 3rd. I was so sad, I felt like my body was letting me down and my mind started to wander to all the "what-if's". After I gave myself a good cry, I started thinking to myself "OK, my body had that first light period, it needed this regular cycle to get back to normal. I moved forward and we tried again during my next ovulation time frame.
So I took that test on Friday, like I said, it was negative. I went for a walk, which had been my thing during quarantine - walking alone to just clear my head and keep my body moving. I looked up and said "Ok, I will let go and trust in; my body, God, and the Universe that this will happen when it is supposed to... show me the sign of a Yellow Butterfly - I'm sticking with that as my sign" (which had been the sign I asked to see in the past in regards to pregnancy). I walked down a neighborhood block that I didn't usually walk down on my regular route, and there it was - a whole bunch of Yellow Butterflies flying by me and onto a tree. I couldn't believe my eyes! From there I felt a sense of peace. (The picture is an actual picture I took of one of the butterflies)
Fast forward through the weekend... still no period and my cycle was always very regular. So, I decided on Monday that I would take a test again just in case... 3 tests to be exact. POSITIVE! ALL POSITIVE! I couldn't believe my eyes - just three days earlier it was negative.
I was pregnant, with my Rainbow Baby. I felt joy, relief, trust and honestly a little bit of fear, but knew I had to trust in my body. And now, here I am one year later with my sweet almost 4 month old baby girl. My point here is, I needed to release and trust, and sometimes it doesn't work out how we planned, but it actually works out in a way that is better and what we needed, and didn't even know that we needed. We may not always understand the "why" in the moment, but one year later I look back and see how this timing of having our second child was better than I could've ever expected.
xo